ESQUELETO

i had a long talk the other day with a friend of mine who, for a number of reasons, chooses to be completely sober. while i do not totally agree with his point of view, i am always intrigued at the reasons for declaring such an absolute at a fairly young age.

i broke down to him, confessing how low and weak i have been feeling. almost in desperation, i asked him how he coped if he didn’t drink or do drugs. the question sort of made me feel like a low-life but it was a moment of pure honesty. without beer and wine and weed and adderall and coke and pills and any and every put-me-down, pick-me-up, fuck-me-up substance, how do i, how does anyone manage to wade through this heavy fog of despair that seems to encompass us all to some degree? how does one find the strength to overcome sadness naturally when altering your state of consciousness is such a convenient option? such a quick fix?

among the many level-headed things he said, he reminded me of the fleeting nature of these substances. like so many sources of pleasure in my life, they are only temporary. is the thrill worth the come-down? the realization, once more, that you cannot depend on anything external to maintain happiness? not substances and not other people. the relationships i form when i’m drunk and fucked up are not real. they are not substansial. i am not real or substansial. why do we so desperately strive to make these shallow connections?

a paradox: i do not go to parties unless i am fucked up. if i am not fucked up, i will hate everyone. so why am i 1) going somewhere to hang out with people i don’t like? and 2) wasting my money and health just so i can force myself to put up with people i don’t like? IT MAKES NO SENSE!

i’m not saying i’m going to give up drinking or drugs or anything like that. i never will. i was raised in a family that has a conservative yet healthy attitude toward substances and i’ve never had a problem with addiction, dependance or wreckless behavior when it comes to drugs and drinking. they are recreational, they are fun. they are not a sick, twisted dependance or a fucking shit show. i like to experiment with my friends, but unfortunately the majority of my peers don’t see it this way. instead it’s drink to get drunk, to start fights, make a mess, make mistakes. i’m just not down with it and i’m tired of witnessing one disaster after another because of the inability to self-regulate.

again, i will never declare absolutes. i am not without fault nor am i immune to temptation. i have just reached a point personally and socially where i want to remove myself from such self-destructive behavior and instead reach out to/find friends that share a calmer and more responsible attitude toward substances. i got real drunk on friday night and nothing good came of it—spent money i don’t have, suffered through a hangover i didnt need, met people whose names i don’t remember and play-pretended to be best friends with everyone in the world. i can’t convince myself that i’m okay with that anymore, let alone that i even enjoy it.

i realize this puts me in a somewhat lonely predicament, but i have to make peace with that. i refuse to continue compromising my values for the convenience of having a social life. there are too many important things i am anxious to accomplish to perpetuate this unhealthy and capricious lifestyle.